notes from a nap

I dreamed about myself crying. This has never happened before. I do a lot of things in my dreams, but I never cried. We were in a big lecture room. She was sitting next to me. Something happened earlier to make me feel that I'd never see her again once we left the room. When the lecture was almost over, she started to nudge my right foot with her left. She sometimes nudges me when I spend long durations of time without talking. I looked at her. Then she bent down and started to remove pieces of my shoe that were falling off. I also bent down and did the same. I tore one piece off and tossed it to the garbage can next to me, and she did the same with another piece. The lecture ended. We all stood up. She said something to me, and then walked off. I followed the crowds of people and walked out of the room. There was a little girl talking to an old man about me, and then a guy walked up next to me to tell me that I had been foolish. Outside, it was sunny. I started to walk home, alone, and then I started to cry.

These days, I move my little basket of cloth grapes around, hoping that they would never catch dust. Unfortunately, it's really challenging in this dry apartment. The scent of the grapes is also fading, but I will never forget the moment when I first smelled it.

magic touch

The remote control for my passenger-side window started to work again.

I have a feeling that things will be ok.

37th avenue

Some time earlier tonight, a police incident on Oak Street motivated me to take a detour onto 37th avenue. I thought the view would be unfamiliar, but as I drove through the pleasantly spacious road, I realized that I had driven through it before, once. That would be October 17th last year, when I was looking for Ukrainian community centre and at the same time carrying on a text message conversation. I recalled that conversation fondly.

Speaking of text messaging, soon it will be the one year anniversary for my phone.

and the days go on

I came to work early today, or more precisely, I wasn't late. Last night, I slept soundly, without waking up even once until the day dawned on me.

And there will certainly be more days to come. I am grateful for being here, and for all the patience given to me. The least I can do is to live my life. I will give it my best shot.

day 2

I managed to fall asleep, though barely enough. This morning I woke up to the glaring sun shining through my closed eyelids, but the ray of light did nothing to relieve this harrowing heaviness inside me - the consequence of having acted through selfishness rather than consideration.

Yesterday, I went for a walk at Gary Point park. It was a fine evening with a gentle breeze in the air. A cargo ship with Venezuela written on it sailed past the coast, bringing noteworthy waves towards the beach. The kids playing in the area reacted to this rare moment with alacrity, jumping and yelling in the foamy waves. The sound of waves swept my heart with lovely memories, and I imagined the voice I would have heard if I had been there with my friend. I kept on walking, eyes looking down to avoid the glaring sun, and I walked past a group of people speaking a familiar language that I have been trying to learn. A rock by the water caught my attention, so I maneuvered myself through the bushes and logs to sit on it. There I gazed at the departing cargo ship, and my eyes got watery. I curled myself into a ball and thought that if I became part of the rock at the moment, I wouldn't mind.

After I got home, I decided to play my ill-conceived evoker. He was truly boring to play by himself, so I decided to join some online games, only to be accused of cheating by inexperienced players. I went back to my own game, only to feel my strength deteriorating as some of the best memories this year embraced me one by one.

It's so sunny out right now.

day 1

I sat motionless on the living room floor, listening to the morning birds and watching the gradually brightening sky. Sleep turned out to be impossible, although I think I might have managed to lose consciousness for an hour eventually. As I lay in bed, everything felt alien and lifeless. I felt cold.

Yesterday, as I drove home, having done the worst thing in my life, I knew that the full impact of pain would only come later - but not this much.

I have lost the most precious friendship in my life.

And it was all because of me. I did it all. I fucked it all up.

I am so sorry.

pale moon

To those who get to see movies with her, I hope you know how privileged you are.

To those who get to put your arms around her, I hope you know how fortunate you are.

To the one who gets to caress her face, I hope you realize that you are the luckiest man in this universe.


I was afraid to cry, because of what happened to my eye. But when the music of Titan Quest came to my ears, I simply couldn't hold back the tears.

"To love is difficult; to disappear is easy," said my mom. I beg to differ, but then again, I have a different sort of love on my mind. I wanted to feel less alone, but all I ended up doing was transmitting my insurmountable sorrow to her. "What's left for me in this life is you," she said. "Otherwise, I am done with it. I've lived it all, and I am sick of it."

I am going to sleep. Part of me wishes that I never wake up. If I do wake up, I will try to live through the day. Each day from tonight onwards will be lived with gratitude and the most I could afford with the little bit of humanity left in me.